The word enmeshed seems to capture quite clearly the sense of an unhealthy involvement in someone elses life that a number of people can feel, whilst at the same time believing that their relationship with that person is either healthy or is of some value to either party.
Whilst it is difficult to generalise about the nature of relationships and the differing levels of commitment that people have in differing types of relationship, the nature of an enmeshed relationship is generally quite easy to understand at a felt level, although sometimes difficult to describe at a practical level.
Anyone involved in any type of personal development work or spiritual growth will at some stage had been told or have read that they need to be of service to others, or at some level to involve themselves in other people's lives. This principle can be a healthy one, but can also easily abused by either party, intentionally or unintentionally.
Often the nature of an enmeshed relationship is difficult to untangle because it is of seeming benefit to both sides. It is quite likely that one side of the relationship has a real need for differing needs in certain areas, which the other party is able to help meet either partially or in whole. This is not of itself either healthy or unhealthy but it is the underlying dynamic that tends to determine the nature of the enmeshed relationship.
Perhaps the best way to understand this, is to look at a practical example of someone who is trying to help an active alcoholic to stop drinking or to rebuild their lives. Whilst the person's intentions may start off by being healthy or good, there is a real danger that over time the person trying to help will be sucked into the life of the alcoholic, who will simply use them as a form of enabling them to continue drinking. This is a very common scenario and often applies to parents or the spouse of an alcoholic. This is the reason why a separate 12 step fellowship, Al-Anon, was formed, and has as its focus helping people to reclaim a sense of their own life.
It is sometimes difficult to describe the practicalities of people who are enmeshed in other people's lives, but it can sometimes be seen working at a practical level. It is perhaps easier to understand how simple it is to begin to feel responsible for someone else's life, because it gives the individual a sense of control over something over which in fact they have no control over at all.
The example of trying to help an alcoholic is a good one because the person trying to help is likely to have some type of close relationship with the alcoholic already. This is certainly true of family members who often desperately seek some type of control in a situation that is patently out of control.
The dangers of getting too closely involved with anyone, whether they are an alcoholic or not, is that the individual ceases to have really clear and separate boundaries about where their life ends and the other person's life begins. This invariably leads to a blurring of identities and the crossing of the line between responsibility and control.
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